


they say anything goes but i have the beat to your love

by 1213659 (orphan_account)



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Sex, Mild Hurt/Comfort, inappropriate workplace conversations, mention of rodent infestations, wet milk are bad at being exes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23732749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/1213659
Summary: sangyeon is forced to vacate his flat and move in with a friend except it is a reintroductionto something (and someone) he left behind.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Sangyeon
Kudos: 39





	they say anything goes but i have the beat to your love

**Author's Note:**

> okay wet milkers the rats fic is back. i think i always had a soft spot for this one because it was the first time i actually wrote anything focused on wet milk and it really set the tone for how i would write their dynamic ever since.
> 
> let's ignore the fact that i meant to reupload this days ago but it took me a very long time to change "foodfalls" to "footfalls".

It goes like this: 

  1. Sangyeon’s block of flats is infested with rats. Sangyeon isn't afraid of the vermin per se but waking up after one huge rodent scurried over his face is an experience he doesn't want to live through twice. So he reaches out to friends and Hyunjun is the first one to unconditionally say yes and let him move in for a few weeks. 
  2. Hyunjun apparently forgets his offer immediately because he is out the next day when Sangyeon arrives and he isn't answering a single call or text. 
  3. Sangyeon is weighing up the merits of living in his car for the foreseeable when someone knocks on the driver window. It's Hyunjun, smiling and skirting around an apology for forgetting. 
  4. Jaehyun is also with Hyunjun. Hyunjun doesn't apologise for that either as they all head into his shared house. Hyunjun is maintaining a cherry monologue all the way inside while Sangyeon struggles under the weight of all the most precious things he owns. 
  5. Hyunjun does apologise, except it is to his housemates, two girls with curious eyes and dark hair who stop dancing in the kitchen for long enough to glare up the stairs after Hyunjun and his apparently unannounced guests. 
  6. Sangyeon asks Hyunjun if they can have a quick chat. They leave Hyunjun’s bedroom and head into the bathroom, which seems like a bad idea on account of the acoustics amplifying the sound of what is about to be a very stern conversation until somebody bangs on the door. It is Hyunjun’s third housemate who has a far more murderous look in her eyes than the other two housemates when Hyunjun opens the door. Through gritted teeth she says, "Not in the bathroom, Hyunjun." 
  7. After being evicted from the bathroom Hyunjun decides The Cupboard is the best place to chat. He says it with the capitalisation and everything and Sangyeon is extremely wary as Hyunjun’s hand reaches for the doorknob on The Cupboard Door. And he thinks he was right to feel that way when Hyunjun opens The Door and steps over the avalanche of assorted crap which spills out. Something cracks underfoot but Hyunjun doesn't look at all concerned. Sangyeon is very concerned but it's privacy, he supposes. 
  8. It is not privacy because The Cupboard Door cannot close on account of all The Clutter blocking the doorway. But it is the best they're going to get and Sangyeon is trying to be positive about the fact there are no rats ready to run across his face in here (he hopes). 



So they're in The Cupboard and Hyunjun is smiling like he has no idea what Sangyeon is going to say. Which is crazy because things were way too messy for Hyunjun to not anticipate Sangyeon asking, "What the hell is he doing here?" 

"He's my friend," Hyunjun supplies. That's fair enough but he isn't Sangyeon’s friend. 

"Does he come here a lot? Because I can find somewhere else to stay if that is the case."

Hyunjun, because he's apparently horrible and evil, says, "Who are you going to stay with? Jacob?" 

Sangyeon had actually considered Jacob for a fraction of a second but that would only be marginally better than having to see Jaehyun all the time. They’re two facets of a life not worth reminiscing about, only Sangyeon has no choice but to remember when Jaehyun is opening the door to The Cupboard. 

“Are you two done?” Jaehyun asks. “I’m bored. Give me my kid back.”

And this is what Sangyeon hates. Jaehyun never changes. They’ve not even been around each other for a full five minutes and Jaehyun is causing trouble for no reason.

“You do know that I am going to be staying here, don’t you?” Sangyeon says. He’s pushing it, he knows, but he’s not about to lose to someone like Jaehyun. 

“You can’t. Hyunjun, he’s a grown man, he can find somewhere else to live. Why are you staying here anyway?”

“Rats,” Hyunjun says - an explanation more than an exclamation, Sangyeon hopes. Just in case, he confirms it. 

“Rats.”

“You should be feeling right at home with all the rest of them, shouldn’t you?”

And it’s almost funny but Sangyeon would die before laughing at a joke like that. Not that he hasn’t laughed at jokes just like that at his own expense a hundred times before. But he and Jaehyun are not together anymore and it’s nothing like foreplay here. 

“It’s only for a few weeks,” Sangyeon says. “The exterminators might not even take that long.”

“So what you’re saying is that I’ve got to see you every day until then?” Jaehyun asks. 

“Do you live here?”

“He doesn’t live here,” Hyunjun says quickly. He smiles brightly. Sangyeon knows he isn’t going to be wearing the same expression anytime soon. “He just helps me out with stuff and drives me around.”

“I can take you to work. I'll drive you anywhere you need to go,” Sangyeon says quickly. “There. He doesn’t need to come around anymore.”

“No,” Jaehyun says, “No way. I’m not letting you take Hyunjun anywhere. Are you going to take him to see movies on Wednesdays and see all his performances and take him shopping too? Are you going to completely replace me in his life too? I’m not having that.”

“It’s not like that,” Hyunjun says, “You can both take me around. I'll need someone to take me to work or uni and other things like that even when you're busy, Jaehyun." 

Hyunjun phrases it as a solution but before having to live through it Sangyeon knows it is going to be all shades of miserable. 

_ _

Hyunjun doesn't live that much further away from Sangyeon’s workplace than Sangyeon does but the route he now needs to take traverses an artery road into the city centre. On the days Sangyeon doesn't need to take Hyunjun to the university he makes it to work in good time and even has time to grumble aimlessly to any colleague he catches on the way into the building about people with infuriating faces. 

Jaehyun, of course, has the most infuriating face of all and Sangyeon hates how he'll invite himself over in the morning to sit in the kitchen slowly sipping juice while Sangyeon is improvising a breakfast which can be made without any of the appliances Hyunjun’s housemate hasn't commandeered. 

"Breakfast is almost ready," Chaeyeon yells over her shoulder. 

After the first morning Sangyeon got the hint that breakfast isn't for him. He's still a bit wary of Chaeyeon (scared is too strong of a word but Sangyeon feels himself become more guarded in her presence. Maybe it is her 'mother of the house' role and the way she has even taken Hyunjun under her wing, but it might also be the way she stares through Sangyeon for reasons he doesn't think he's ready to learn). He shuffles out of her way as she dishes up something hot and nutritious and definitely not for Sangyeon. 

"That smells really good," Jaehyun says from the kitchen table. "Can I have some?"

Chaeyeon turns around to frown at Jaehyun and then at Sangyeon. "Aren't you making food for him?" 

"Definitely not."

Chaeyeon ponders that for a moment, furtively glancing at the two nuisances in her kitchen as she blusters on and shoos Sangyeon out of her way, seemingly for no reason. Eventually she sets a plate down in front of Jaehyun. Sangyeon is still guessing whether the egg box that has been on the counter since Sangyeon arrived contains anything edible. 

So that's how it is. 

"Wow, this is so much food!" The housemate Sangyeon swears was introduced to him as Jungmin says. (She is very small and her voice is even more gentle than Hyunjun’s so Sangyeon’s heart melts every time she speaks; only his heart is currently also disintegrating because he's starving and he's going to have to watch this tiny girl with doll-bright eyes struggle to finish her share of breakfast). 

"You need your strength," Chaeyeon smiles proudly at maybe-Jungmin. "We should meet up for lunch after rehearsals today."

"It won't be lunch if we have to wait until you're satisfied that you've had a good practice," Siyeon drawls as she shuffles into the kitchen wearing pink fluffy pyjamas and matching slippers. She sits at the table where a plate has already been left for her. 

"Cute," Jaehyun says. He gets ignored. 

"Why are you acting like you're any different?" Chaeyeon asks. She sits down at the table and Sangyeon tries to look at the positive aspect of having more room to make his own breakfast (and not the negative point that Jaehyun is inhaling his food like a starving man and watching to make sure Sangyeon can see him).

"I'm very different," Siyeon asserts.

"No," the housemate formerly known as Jungmin says, as adorable as ever. "You get so bossy over everything. You’re scary sometimes!”

“Scary?” Siyeon asks sharply. “Me?”

She’s sort of disproving her own point and Sangyeon is glad to see he isn’t the only one who flinched at the slicing of her words across the kitchen. Then again Sangyeon feels bad for thinking that she is scary (when that apparently isn't the aura she is trying to exude) when he’s about to crack an egg into a frying pan and she startles him again with her stern tone.

“You’re not really going to eat those eggs, are you?”

“What’s wrong with eggs?” Sangyeon asks over his shoulder. 

“They’ve been there for months and everyone is too lazy to throw them away,” Siyeon says primly as she shoves a mouthful of entirely edible and delectably fragrant food into her own mouth. She definitely sprays crumbs to add, “You’ll die if you eat those.”

Sangyeon disposes of the eggs but there isn’t much that he can see for himself to eat. He glances at the table and Jaehyun locks eyes with him for just a second. He quickly shovels everything in front of him into his mouth. “Don’t even think about it!”

So Sangyeon gives up. He goes to work hungry and considers curling into a ball under his desk to wait out the day until lunch time. The plan doesn’t last very long. 

“Get up!” Yena yells as she yanks his chair from beneath his desk after turning up twelve minutes late herself. “Stop skiving off and do some work like the rest of us.”

Sangyeon gets out from beneath his desk with minor fuss but he doesn’t do much work at all until he can escape at lunch time. 

_ _

Chaeyeon is an excellent cook. Sangyeon barely gets to find this out because the day she cooks for everyone she doesn't cook enough for Sangyeon. Or she does but Jaehyun is there to steal Sangyeon’s share (though that seems far less likely in these circumstances. All three of Hyunjun’s housemates chat comfortably with Jaehyun and are never surprised to see him around and Sangyeon doesn't need to be a genius to work out that Jaehyun is around often enough to have forged relationships which are superficial at the very least). 

Hyunjun had been helping Chaeyeon, from what Sangyeon can tell when he gets home and sees him wearing an apron and brandishing a knife excitedly. For some reason he brings the knife with him when he hurries down the hallway to drag Sangyeon into the warmth of the bright and noisy kitchen. 

“I’m going to cook for you,” Hyunjun says proudly. It is hard to say who he is speaking to specifically because he’s looking at Sangyeon and holding his hand but he’s also pointing his knife at Jaehyun who is sitting at the kitchen table. 

“It will be the best thing I’ve ever eaten,” Jaehyun smiles sunnily.

“I’ve cooked for you a bunch of times,” Sangyeon says despite himself. 

Jaehyun nods. “Somehow I survived every meal you ever made me.”

“Oi, that’s mean,” Hyunjun says. He’s struggling to not smile but Sangyeon can’t really mind it when it is Hyunjun. 

“Are you lot going to keep clogging up my kitchen when I am trying to cook?” Chaeyeon grumbles. Sangyeon decides to head upstairs to Hyunjun’s room to get changed into something more comfortable. He’s half out of something uncomfortable when the door to Hyunjun’s bedroom swings open. It’s Jaehyun and it is also inconvenient that Sangyeon doesn’t have anything solid enough to pelt at his head. 

“Can I help you?”

Jaehyun shrugs. “Remember tomorrow you’re taking Hyunjun to university in the morning. I’ll pick him up.”

“Could this not have waited until I was dressed?”

“Does it matter?”

“Exactly,” Sangyeon sighs tersely. “Does it matter? Look, I’m only going to be staying here for a fortnight. Can we just be civil and stay out of each other’s way until I can go home.”

“Right,” Jaehyun says, “The rats. Whatever. Just make sure to look after my kid.”

Sangyeon holds his tongue and doesn’t voice the correction of “Our kid” that had been what they used to say back when they were together. 

There’s a scurrying of footfalls and Siyeon, as scary as ever, is looming behind Jaehyun. “Taeryeong, you were right! These awful men are trying to do terrible things in Hyunjun’s room! Tell Chaeyeon to kick them out!”

“We’re just talking!”

The answer isn’t enough for Siyeon. “You two are out of here. You just wait.”

_ _

Sangyeon, after a day that is dragging on way too long, waits for his mobile phone to ring out for the fifth time. He thought the morning could have turned into a success after he managed to shower and get ready in record time but then Hyunjun decided to break a record of his own by taking an eternity to get ready and into Sangyeon’s car. So Sangyeon was late. He was late and got a bollocking by his boss for that and some other mistakes that Sangyeon had seen half a dozen of his co-workers make before and all that adds up to Sangyeon not being close to in the mood to take a call from a wittily renamed contact. 

“Sangyeon,” Yena says as she peers over the partition between their desks, “I have a call for you from someone called Jaehyun? He won’t say what it’s about.”

“It’s not about work,” Sangyeon says. Tell him to go away." Yena doesn’t look happy that she hadn’t only heard Sangyeon’s phone extension number. She disappears back into her seat and reappears a moment later. 

“He says you’re going to lose custody if you don’t take the call. Do you have a kid, Sangyeon?”

Sangyeon takes the call. “Alright, you stupid bastard, what the hell do you want calling me when I am at work?”

For once Jaehyun doesn’t bite back the way he always has. “You need to pick Hyunjun up from uni. My car broke down and he doesn’t have any money to get home. And before you even say anything about making him walk in this rain, he obviously doesn’t have an umbrella.”

Sangyeon already knows that Hyunjun wouldn’t have an umbrella unless someone was around to carry it for him. Even if Jaehyun sounds like he is going spare Sangyeon doesn’t like the hint of challenge in his tone, like he wants Sangyeon to know that even if he can’t do a thing he’s still a better and closer friend than Sangyeon could hope to be. 

“I know he doesn’t have an umbrella,” Sangyeon hisses. “But isn’t this typical you? What are the chances that when you’re supposed to get Hyunjun your car conveniently breaks down. I’m at work and I can’t get out for another hour.”

“You’re going to have to leave early. Make some stupid excuse. Just go and get him.”

Sangyeon has choices ahead of him and they go like this:

  1. Make up an excuse and go and get Hyunjun.
  2. Stay at work for the hour, get Hyunjun afterwards, and grovel like there is no tomorrow (and accept that Jaehyun would be able to lord this over Sangyeon forever). 
  3. Swear to himself that he’ll see the end of his workday through and suffer for twenty minutes until he can’t take the guilt any longer. So he’d go and get Hyunjun late. 
  4. Sangyeon could order an Uber for Hyunjun and pay for it himself but invoice Jaehyun for it.
  5. And suddenly it occurs to Sangyeon - he could just call Hyunjun and ask what he wants. 



Sangyeon dials out through his work phone and wonders whether it is a good enough cover to look like he is working after hanging up on a very unreasonable acquaintance. But it doesn’t matter anyway. The call doesn’t go through and neither do the next few calls. Sangyeon feels disappointment sinking in his chest as he closes the excel spreadsheet he was getting ready to send Jaehyun. He’d colour-coded it and everything. He sighs and calls Jaehyun back. 

“You’re calling me on a landline number,” Jaehyun notes after picking up on the first ring. “I can’t help but notice you haven’t left to go and pick Hyunjun up yet. Your excuse had better be amazing, Sangyeon.”

Sangyeon doesn’t even think it is the situation that is making him so irate. Just hearing Jaehyun’s voice normally gets his blood boiling so Jaehyun having the gall to act like he’s the better person in this situation has Sangyeon nigh on furious. 

“You’re the one who was supposed to get him today in the first place. You’re the unreliable one here so don’t bother trying to make this about me.”

“So now you’re going to start a fight with me instead of going to get our kid? I would love to go at it with you but I would much prefer Hyunjun to be safely home first.”

“How am I supposed to know where our kid is if his phone has died? What if I get there and he’s gone and I can’t find him?” Sangyeon asks. He can see Yena peering over the partition again and he guesses he can’t feel guilty about not doing work if he’s not in this alone. He does try to drop his voice to escape the ears of any nosy parkers who are loitering around. “Did he say where he was at uni when you told him you wouldn’t be able to pick him up?”

“I didn’t get a chance to because I was wasting my time trying to arrange for you to go and get him.”

The blood in Sangyeon’s veins is searing on its way back to his heart. It takes momentous effort not to pick up his phone and his computer and punt them across the office. Rather than giving Yena (and anyone else with a propensity for making fun of him) a show he manages to only tighten his grip around his phone. 

“This is exactly like you. You’re a liability and you’ll know what a real fight is when I get my hands on you. You had better hope he’s fine.”

For all his threats, Sangyeon makes up an excuse. He tells the office manager that he needs to pick up his kid from (big) school. For once he escapes without being questioned too much, though he does hear Yena loudly asking when Sangyeon stopped living alone and started being a parent. 

Sangyeon drives through the rain and doesn’t see Hyunjun at any of the campus entrances that he usually picks him up from. He gives in and calls Jaehyun. 

“What do you want now?” Jaehyun asks. He sounds tired. “I’m still at the garage.”

“I’m probably about to be added to some sort of register because of how many times I have driven around every building on this campus. Where should I look if I can’t find him?”

“Try the canteen or something,” Jaehyun says. And in the space where he should have hung up to ensure he has the very last word, he sighs. He says, “Can I ask you a favour though?”

“You can ask,” Sangyeon says as he finds a parking space which may or may not earn him a ticket when he returns.

“Obviously I hate to ask. I kind of left home with only my phone and my keys, so even if they towed my car here they’re not even going to take a look at it without a deposit. And I guess even without having to pay for that I am kind of stranded here.”

Sangyeon is having a bit of trouble navigating the automatic doors which are barely registering his presence but it’s weird hearing Jaehyun swallow back his pride at a time like this. It is weird being able to fill in the blank that Jaehyun still doesn’t have car insurance and not being mad about the fact that Jaehyun can admit as much. He stops in front of the doors which can’t decide whether or not to open for him. “It’s phone, wallet, keys. How could you forget?”

“I didn't know I forgot,” Jaehyun scoffs. “Not until I needed money.”

“Alright. I’ll come and get you.”

Jaehyun is quiet for a moment before he says, “That’s not what I was asking.”

The door finally opens. Sangyeon walks through into the canteen and scans the sparsely populated tables for someone dressed as elaborately as he’d expect Hyunjun to be. “You were either asking for that or for me to pay for your car. There’s no point in doing one without the other.”

"I'll pay you back," Jaehyun says. He sounds like he means it and for all the bad blood between them Sangyeon doesn't doubt it. But Sangyeon holds on for a little longer as he walks between the hastily de-crumbed tables and even when Jaehyun offers a very quiet 'thank you' it still seems like something is missing. 

Jaehyun hangs up and texts his location and seeing the short message clues Sangyeon in to the absence of all the things they used to say to each other. 

It's weird. So Sangyeon puts his phone away and puts more effort in trying to track down Hyunjun. It isn't even that hard and he looks like he's having the time of his life chatting with one of his housemates. She's got a bit of a timid look to her, even though she's shattered any illusion of shyness here, and Sangyeon still isn't certain what to call her. 

Sangyeon only learns her name (the one she actually answers to, not the name he is sure he was told before) when it turns out picking up Hyunjun means picking up his roommate, so Taeryeong is invited on the drive through saturated side streets in rush hour traffic to rescue Jaehyun. 

Taeryeong's name isn't the only thing Sangyeon learns on the drive. In no particular order the things he discovers are:

  1. How his own parents had felt when they told teenage Sangyeon that they weren't his personal taxi service;
  2. Hyunjun and his housemates are behind on their rent;
  3. Their housemate Siyeon hadn't paid for a single meal at university that year;
  4. Almost every route to the destination Jaehyun needs collecting from is blocked with roadworks;
  5. Taeryeong and Hyunjun didn't mind waiting to get picked up and had actually only switched off their phones to avoid the ire of Chaeyeon who wanted them to pick up after themselves when they arrived home. 



Sangyeon also learns just how much it costs to get a mechanic just to look at tyre axles. Sangyeon knows for sure that he's going to let his parents keep paying for his car insurance because the monthly expense aside there's no way he'd have enough money in the instance something goes wrong with his own car. Jaehyun is quiet in the passenger seat on the way home and Sangyeon doesn't press him for anything until Hyunjun and Taeryeong's loud hinting succeeds in getting Sangyeon to take the diversion to a retail park so they can borrow more of Sangyeon’s meagre bank balance to buy takeaway to get back into Chaeyeon's good graces. (Sangyeon suspects this won't be good enough to clear all their sins in Chaeyeon's eyes but it is a start).

When the car doors close Sangyeon realises that he and Jaehyun have ended up alone in his car without even saying anything. He should have left the engine running to let the radio fill the silence but when he reaches to start the ignition Jaehyun's hand stills it. 

So they'll have to deal with the silence. But not for too long. 

"Thank you for coming to get me," Jaehyun says. He looks a lot like he is speaking to the raindrops on the windscreen but Sangyeon can't even count himself as annoyed. There has always been an untouchable beauty in Jaehyun when he's not quite paying attention and it is here in the car, wisping past Sangyeon’s will to do more than just perceive it. 

"It's no big deal. I must have been your last resort so I could hardly leave you there." Sangyeon is of course lying and he isn't sure what impulse had him hyperextending his generosity and patience. Jaehyun can probably guess because he nods absently before looking at Sangyeon. 

"I don't think I'll be able to drive Hyunjun around for the time being. Sorry for leaving it all to you. I'll get my car back on the road soon and I will pay you back as soon as I can."

"I know," Sangyeon says. "It can't be helped."

We can go right back to before," Jaehyun agrees. Sangyeon keeps his gaze fixed on the continuous rivulets of rain at the peripheries of the windscreen and pretends he isn't affected by hearing that. And then he acts like he isn't doubly affected by hearing, "We'll just ignore each other unless it's to get into some spat where we make people take sides. They love to complain about how bad we are together."

Sangyeon does look at Jaehyun then. "People say we're bad together?" 

Jaehyun nods. "We fight a lot. Apparently we get other people involved and make them take sides. And I’ve heard that we’re both just generally horrible.”

Sangyeon raps his knuckles on the steering wheel and wonders whether the distorted blobs he can see through the windscreen are in any way familiar. He hasn’t heard any such things from anyone. People tend to be quite complimentary about Sangyeon when they talk to him. They’re much less complimentary about Jaehyun and maybe this is exactly the point that Jaehyun is trying to make. He's listened to all the criticisms of Jaehyun and not bothered to lie in his defence. It's a competitive sort of horrible. 

“I don’t think we were that bad.”

Jaehyun is quiet for a moment. Then he says, “I don’t think we were either. But we’re not the best people to judge it. So we can just go back to normal and avoid each other soon.”

Sangyeon thinks the blobs are getting more familiar outside. They’re hurrying over through the rain and having more of the space in the car taken up will let Sangyeon breathe easier. Jaehyun is probably right. It’s for the best. 

“Deal,” he says.

_ _

Sangyeon discovers that he’s not the most fastidious person when it comes to holding up his side of a bargain. The car stinks of the two of them, Sangyeon and Jaehyun, and what they did together. It felt like a bad idea the entire time and Sangyeon knew it but he also missed Jaehyun’s skin more than he realised. 

But now he’s driving back to Hyunjun’s after dropping Jaehyun at home and all he can smell is the lingering thickness in the air. Speeding with all the windows open isn’t quite going to cut it and even taking a detour to the 24-hour supermarket to pick up some emergency febreeze probably isn’t enough to mask the cloying guilt.

When Sangyeon gets back to Hyunjun’s and parks up outside the shared house he delays going inside. He uses the majority of the bottle on spraying the car and wonders whether it would be too much to spray himself too. 

Seeing Jaehyun almost every day isn’t good for Sangyeon. 

Jaehyun is nice to look at but Sangyeon doesn’t think he ends up looking very good around him. Sangyeon looks desperate and impatient and unreasonable when Jaehyun is around and even now when Sangyeon knows how much of an idiot he is being he remembers thinking looking like that was worth it when he got Jaehyun out of it. Weird considering how infuriating a person Jaehyun is. He shouldn't still seem worth it now when Sangyeon has managed to live a handful of months without bumping into Jaehyun even by accident. 

To prevent any accidental encounters Sangyeon followed some simple rules. 

  1. Find a new gym 
  2. Stop eating takeout and ordering Jaehyun's favourite things as a self-spiting exercise 
  3. Buy big bottles of pop and use them to refill smaller bottles instead of the daily routine of buying pop on the way to work 
  4. Accept less invitations for nights out with friends and put the money saved towards a holiday 
  5. Stop seeing Hyunjun so often. 



Sangyeon still hates now how Jaehyun got Hyunjun in the 'divorce' but he's never been vain enough to think he'd be the surrogate Hyunjun needed had things turned out differently. Hyunjun worships the ground Jaehyun walks on and having to lead such a good example is a good fit of responsibility for Jaehyun. It was just difficult for Sangyeon to have to force himself out of the habit of checking in on Hyunjun. 

As much as Sangyeon wants to convince himself that he'd be mature enough to maintain the friendship with Hyunjun whilst growing as a person, he can't help but notice that it is not the case. For almost five months Sangyeon had avoided Hyunjun despite how much he missed him but he was learning to love himself, he thinks. A week after Sangyeon stepped back into that role of looking out for Hyunjun he ended up in bed (rather, the back seat of his car) with Jaehyun. 

It turns out Sangyeon had been right to give Hyunjun a wide berth all along but confirming that fact isn't pleasing. 

Sangyeon leaves the febreze in his car -- but it isn't because he thinks he'll need it again, he swears. 

It is Siyeon who answers the door to the house when Sangyeon knocks the door. She doesn't stand aside to let him in and instead folds her arms and leans against the doorframe. Very slowly she looks him up and down and smirks. 

"What are you going to tell Hyunjun?" 

Sangyeon’s mouth feels dry. There's something off-putting about Siyeon, like she isn't quite human, though it isn't until this moment that Sangyeon considers Siyeon knows things beyond what other people can see and hear. He feels too exposed when she looks at him and it might be better to never be let inside. At least if Sangyeon is never granted entry he need never explain to Hyunjun why he needs to reclaim the role of absentee friend. 

But Siyeon does step aside and lead the way to the kitchen. Sangyeon can tell he's supposed to follow so he shuts the door and makes his way through the dim hallway to the artificial orange of the kitchen. It isn't so easy to tell whether the faulty cheer is more to do with the light bulbs or Siyeon's spiteful glee. In light of what she says, Sangyeon suspects it is the latter. 

"People like you can't help yourselves, can you?" 

Sangyeon accepts the drink Siyeon pours him and tries to pretend he often classes things up with San Pellegrino. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" 

"I have a few friends like you. They can't leave things in the past even if it is for the best." She takes a long gulp from her own cup and looks thoughtful as she holds too much in her cheeks and sits down at the table where her books and notes are scattered around. She nudges the bowl of grapes folding down one of her pages closer to Sangyeon to offer with a hum, and he takes a few before she draws the bowl closer to herself. Siyeon does eventually swallow her pop to empty her cheeks and make room for grapes. She chews a few times and looks a bit too closely at Sangyeon. “My friends would do the same things as you. They’d pretend it didn’t count as a date if ‘the kids’ were around when they went to the cinema or out for dinner for no reason. But they didn’t take the whole kids thing as seriously as you do.”

“What do you mean?”

Siyeon pops another grape into her mouth. “I have never called my friends mommy, at least not in the way you and the other one seem to want from Hyunjun.”

Sangyeon winces. He’s hearing way too much that he’d hoped would remain ominously mysterious about Siyeon. “We don’t actually want Hyunjun to call us... anything parental.”

Siyeon shrugs. Another grape. “He doesn’t need to. You’ll still treat him like he does.”

“Whatever. What about you? Are you the kid in the situation?”

Siyeon nods. “Sort of. Nayoung was always scared of being responsible. It was how everyone saw her and she said she worried a lot about doing a good job of looking out for everyone. She couldn’t ever let her hair down seeing as she didn’t want to be a disappointment to us or anything. So everything was a secret. She ended up getting into more trouble trying to make everyone happy.”

“She got into trouble?” Sangyeon asks. 

“She’s really pretty,” Siyeon says, “She looks kind of like a doll but sexy.”

“A sexy doll?” Sangyeon asks. 

“Definitely. She’s gorgeous and talented and the kind of person everyone wants to support. Everyone wants to say, ‘I undo all the stress tightening her shoulders. I am the one she comes to at night,’ You get it?”

Sangyeon thinks he might get it but he can’t be sure without clarification. “How many of your friends wanted to say those sorts of things about her?”

“A few,” Siyeon says as she latches onto a tab of grape skin and peels it away with her teeth. “But Nayoung was afraid of disappointing people. So all three of them ended up thinking they were that person for her."

Sangyeon, unlike Siyeon is out of grapes. He clears his throat to try to dislodge a sliver of skin that the fancy orangeade didn't manage to dissolve away. "Is this some sort of cautionary tale about cheating?" 

"No," Siyeon says bluntly. "Nobody told me anything about that side of Nayoung. I worked it all out for myself. And Hyunjun probably knows exactly what is going on with you without needing to be told."

That's. Not really what Sangyeon wants to hear. But he doesn't really know how much more careful he can be. 

_ _

Jaehyun sighs and tips his head to the side. There's a shadow of a smile as he watches Sangyeon return to the room with plastic cups of mixed pop for both of them. He doesn't say it but he doesn't need to say anything. Sangyeon remembers by heart how well they fit together so he puts the drinks on the windowsill and gets back into the bed and back into Jaehyun's arms. 

"I remember when you used to do this because you liked it," Jaehyun says against the top of Sangyeon’s head. He sounds a shade more wistful than he wanted to but Sangyeon thinks he'd be able to hear the meaning no matter what. That doesn't mean he wants Jaehyun to know he's been understood. 

Sangyeon stares up at the ceiling even though he aches to look at Jaehyun's face and see how poorly he manages his expressions when asked, "Are you talking about the sex or the cuddling?" 

Jaehyun tightens his arms on an inhale. "The… Being held. But now you're making me doubt myself on the other thing."

Sangyeon laughs quietly and feels Jaehyun breathe against him. It's weird. He's missed this even though this is the very thing that came with being at each other's throats all the time. Sangyeon guesses their past was all practice for being able to hit where it hurts even now. 

"When you move back into your flat I'm not going to see you again, am I?" 

Sangyeon finds he doesn't quite know what to say. He thinks of a few things to say but he doesn't think he really should voice them. 

  1. "We were both doing fine before seeing each other." 
  2. "We'd both be happier that way." 
  3. "Don't sound so much like you think this is more than sex."
  4. "You don't want to see me."
  5. "I'm only here because of Hyunjun anyway."



Sangyeon can't say any of that but in an instant he's thought all of those things and that already feels bad enough. 

He wasn’t exactly fine pretending Jaehyun didn't exist but it was the simplest way to give himself some headway (especially when other people giving him head didn't achieve much of anything). He knows he wouldn't really be happy never seeing Jaehyun again when they've chiselled themselves further from closure and everything that drove them apart has resurfaced more raw than before. Yet it seems like the best way to solve their problems. 

When Jaehyun wasn't around it was so much easier for Sangyeon to focus on how many mistakes they made together. Seeing Jaehyun in every shade of smug and proud and angry and surprised and concerned had Sangyeon wracking his brains to remember what to do to see the spectrums in between those expressions. Seeing Jaehyun is too distracting and Sangyeon doesn't really want to admit that he can't be around him and not want everything that drove them apart in the first place. 

Sangyeon sighs. "Why would you want to see me again?" 

Jaehyun doesn't say anything to that. Sangyeon feels his skin prickle. Jaehyun asking questions yet not wanting to elaborate on anything asked of him is too typical. But he's trying not to be argumentative. 

There's some resistance but Sangyeon can slip out of Jaehyun's grip to grab a cup from the windowsill. Jaehyun copies him and sips slowly from his own cup. He considers for a moment before seeing Jaehyun pull a face draws the question into the air from the tip of his tongue. 

"What's the point of having so many drinks in your fridge if you don't want to mix them up?" 

Jaehyun frowns. "What do you mean? I like to have something to offer guests."

"Even flat raspberry ripple-ade?" Sangyeon asks. 

"If you knew it was flat why did you put it in our drinks?" Jaehyun asks, his voice prickling with irritation. 

"Because I like it even if it's been open for too long," Sangyeon says. Then, "Who else are you inviting over that likes raspberry ripple-ade?" 

"I don't have to answer that," Jaehyun fires back.

He's right, he doesn't need to answer that, but Sangyeon is still curious. He waits and sips the everything-in-Jaehyun's-fridge pop. He thinks he could avoid the fight they're heading towards by putting his clothes on and leaving and maybe even going back home without confirmation that it's all clear. But that would mean sticking with the conviction that he's better off without Jaehyun and even if it is true Sangyeon doesn't want to live that life again just yet. 

Eventually, Jaehyun relents. "Only you are weird enough to like it. Every time Hyunjun comes food shopping with me and tries to make me buy him things he reminds me to buy it. I don't know if he thinks I like it too but I end up buying it anyway." 

"You haven't bought any for a while though," Sangyeon points out. 

"Two weeks isn't that long," Jaehyun mutters. He's right though. It isn't that long at all. It has already been two weeks since Sangyeon did something that reminds him of Jaehyun too. 

"I've been sleeping with Jacob," Sangyeon admits. 

Jaehyun wheezes on a sip of everything-pop and Sangyeon can't say it doesn't sting when Jaehyun winces away from his back slaps. 

"What the hell are you saying?" Jaehyun splutters. "My Jacob? Why would you sleep with him?" 

"He was there," Sangyeon confesses. "We've broken up loads of times before but the last time felt final. And part of me wanted to get back at you for going back to him every other time we broke up."

Jaehyun nods and bites his lip. He reaches behind to replace his cup on the windowsill and he rests his chin in his hands. 

"Do you want me to leave?" Sangyeon asks. 

Jaehyun shakes his head and flops down onto his bed and covers his face. He's quiet for a long while and Sangyeon thinks he should leave because telling the truth about a recent habit is enough to invalidate his welcome but he'd feel guilty about leaving now. 

Jaehyun doesn't stay too quiet for long. "Was it only after we broke up?" 

"Of course. I never would have gone there before that."

Jaehyun nods and looks up at Sangyeon. 

"I can't get mad."

"Of course you can," Sangyeon disagrees. "I've been sleeping with your ex. You're definitely allowed to get mad."

"No. If I get mad about this now we'll have a fight we can't come back from."

"We've already had a fight we couldn't come back from," Sangyeon says quietly. 

The fight they had when they broke up the last time came after a string of blazing rows which took place regardless of the venue. Sangyeon was sure he hated Jaehyun by the end of it and he was glad to be able to walk away. It was different to every time it had happened before where they'd still see each other socially and get into another argument that should already have simmered away, and Jaehyun would be dragging Jacob into things just to show Sangyeon how much he didn't need him. The last time was a totally clean break. No reason to see each other because Sangyeon decided he was busy every time certain friends invited him out and he even let Hyunjun be one of those friends because Hyunjun had always liked Jaehyun better anyway. 

Everything about the last break up had felt so final and, aside from a run of spite he couldn't help, Sangyeon wanted to get used to being himself without Jaehyun before becoming himself with someone else. Yet here he was with Jaehyun all over again and he thinks maybe there's nothing that would part them long enough to become strangers (nothing aside the strength of will Sangyeon suspects they both lack). 

Jaehyun reaches for Sangyeon. This is the part where Sangyeon should resist and insist on leaving. But he doesn't. He wraps himself around Jaehyun and tries to see the misty-eyed expression through his double vision. 

"Have you told Hyunjun about Jacob?" 

"No."

"Good," Jaehyun whispers. "Please don't tell him. I don't think he'd like it if he knew. He still thinks there's a chance for us so you have to keep it a secret until we end up with different people or he finally falls in love himself and decides he's tired of us."

Sangyeon hesitates. He thinks about things Siyeon has said to him and things that even Hyunjun has said to him. But Jaehyun looks a lot like he wants this to be easy. Sangyeon can't in good conscience let it be completely easy. 

"He knows about you and Jacob."

Jaehyun smiles. "He expects it of me. I'm shitty to everyone except for him." He slides his fingers through Sangyeon's hair. He kisses Sangyeon softly. "Promise me you won't tell him."

"I promise."

_ _

Sangyeon and Jaehyun have a fight. It is a small fight in the grand scheme of things seeing as they were good and contained the whole thing within The Cupboard. 

Of course it feels silly to be fighting like this when they're not even together so what Sangyeon does in his spare time and where he goes to the gym is none of Jaehyun's business. That's not strictly true. 

Jaehyun had the genius idea at valentines last year that they could get a discount on their gym memberships if they signed up for a package membership. Bundling both of their memberships together was cheaper due to corporate romance and things kind of stayed like that. There were conditions to this deal such as having to go to the gym together but it wasn't exactly a rule that was enforced so it didn't really matter to Sangyeon when he stopped going to the gym to avoid Jaehyun. By the time Sangyeon found a new gym he had forgotten that the mystery direct debit drawing money from his account each month was heading over to Jaehyun's account to pay for his half of the discounted memberships. 

The situation was more complicated than it needed to be and certainly a bigger deal than it needed to be as they crushed clutter underfoot and yelled at each other just to be heard in the too-close echoes reflecting from the narrow walls of The Cupboard. 

The main issue with fighting in The Cupboard is that the door simply does not close, and Sangyeon thinks it is pretty rich of Chaeyeon to say anything to them about being messy when all her insistence on everyone tidying up can't touch the interior of The Cupboard. 

Sangyeon and Jaehyun are definitely entitled to do their fighting in here where the rest of the mess resides. 

"Just go to the gym now," Chaeyeon says crossly as she flings a shoe horn and a box of screws into The Cupboard. Both items are sucked into the abyss of The Cupboard and Sangyeon can't even tell if they landed on a shelf or just on the floor. 

"What do you mean by that?" Sangyeon asks. 

"Get out of my house and get over your stupid fight," Chaeyeon grumbles. She throws three odd shoes into The Cupboard for good measure. "I'm having a friend over and I don't want you weirdos here whether you'll be causing a racket or not."

That's them told. So they end up going to the gym. Hyunjun catches them as they're leaving and invites himself along. All the way there he chatters excitedly about how long it has been since they all got to hang out like this. There's no way that can be true because the three of them have spent every day together for at least a few hours ever since Jaehyun's car broke down. Jaehyun's car has technically been roadworthy for several days now but even that hasn't reduced the amount of time they spend together. Jaehyun pretends he doesn't drive himself to work and back so he can lie that he's following some promise about getting insurance before driving again. Sangyeon knows he's lying but he volunteers to collect Jaehyun and take him home after each of their outings together. But it is nicer to let Hyunjun be happy and make a fuss about this. 

What Sangyeon doesn't anticipate is seeing Juyeon at the gym (an odd thing not to expect considering Juyeon lives for the gym). Juyeon smiles slowly when he sees them and draws Hyunjun into a tight embrace as peers over his head and he says, "Long time no see." 

Jaehyun decides he doesn't want to bother with cardio beyond five minutes and bagsies Juyeon to spot him over at the free weights for ten minutes. And then he returns to ask Sangyeon if he can have a word. 

Sangyeon can see where he's also at fault from this point because he knows that having a word is the most obvious code in existence for having an argument. There's no doubt Hyunjun would have worked that one out but he smiles and says he'll look after Juyeon for them. Sangyeon doesn't even bother trying to work that one out, instead thinking up plenty of words that Jaehyun can have in preparation for the fight they're definitely about to have, apparently at the vending machine in the foyer. 

Sangyeon is all geared up and ready. He's got adrenaline pumping through him and an arsenal of mostly four letter words to hurl at Jaehyun. 

But then Jaehyun goes and says, "Juyeon wasn't just talking to me when he said it had been a while," and Sangyeon hadn't expected that so he almost forgot all the generic fighting talk he'd scripted on the walk over. 

Jaehyun frowns. He asks, "Have you not been hanging out with Juyeon at all?" 

And that much should be obvious because Sangyeon had given up on all their mutual friends. "Juyeon is one of your best friends. Are you saying you haven't been talking to your own friend?" 

Apparently that's the wrong thing to say (or the right thing seeing as the current goal is to rile Jaehyun up and get him more annoyed because they're having a fight). 

“He likes you, you idiot. He likes hanging out and doing the same sorts of things you do,” Jaehyun says. “I thought you two could go and do things together and I’d just stay out of your way.”

Sangyeon can’t even think of any words at all (four letters or otherwise) to say to Jaehyun. Not any mean ones anyway. He sighs, wondering how he already ended up on the back foot here. “Why would you assume I’d be spending time with my ex’s best friend?”

“I still talk to him. Was I supposed to leave you with nobody? We break up so I stop caring about you and want you to be all alone? Is that what you think of me?”

“You’re not going to make this my fault, Jaehyun. None of this came from a charitable place. Just admit that you’re a shit friend.”

Jaehyun doesn’t fire back anything half as bad as what Sangyeon said. He doesn’t say anything for a moment. His shoulders sag. “We’re not going to have this fight.”

“We’re already having a fight,” Sangyeon points out. “In public. Just like you wanted and that’s why you started all of this.”

“No,” Jaehyun says. “I’m talking about the fight we will have if I reply to the thing about not being a good friend.”

Sangyeon can work out well enough what he is missing. Jaehyun isn’t exactly being cryptic about the things he isn’t saying and Sangyeon won’t be either. “If I’m a bad boyfriend it is only because you are too. Tell our kid I’ll be waiting in the car. He can text me if he wants me to wait.”

Sangyeon deflates by the time he grabs his things and gets to his car. He had to grab Jaehyun’s things too because they’re idiots who decided to share a coin locker and he stares at their bags in the back seat of his car like things haven’t changed one bit. It’s just like old times when they’d fight over nothing and have to cool off prematurely because being mad is inconvenient. 

And just like old times Sangyeon is wondering why he needs to say things just to hurt Jaehyun when it isn’t even true. Jaehyun isn’t a bad boyfriend. He’s alright. And even he has calmed down by the time he gets into Sangyeon’s car. He slams the door though just to be annoying. 

“Juyeon’s got a car too,” Jaehyun says. 

“Okay? And what about Hyunjun?”

“That’s what he said,” Jaehyun says, “So he’s probably not coming no matter how long we wait.”

Sangyeon starts the car. He’ll just take Jaehyun home. 

“Thanks for bringing my stuff too,” Jaehyun says. “It’s kind of lucky that Hyunjun is so independent and doesn't need us.”

“And that the lockers aren’t big enough for three bags,” Sangyeon says. 

Jaehyun sighs and sinks down in the passenger seat. After a few minutes of silence he asks, “Are we still fighting?”

Sangyeon drums his fingers on the steering wheel while they’re stopped at traffic lights. “Yeah.”

“Great. Can we get something to eat before we pick it back up?”

It’s a good enough idea and it will make up for not really getting to spend time at the gym. And Sangyeon knows from personal experience that it isn’t good to fight on an empty stomach. 

__

Hyunjun smiles like bowling was the best idea he's ever had. He even takes charge of splitting the teams but Sangyeon cannot see why Hyunjun would put Siyeon on a team with Sangyeon and Jaehyun. 

"I refuse to lose because of you clowns," Siyeon hisses as she holds a bowling ball above their heads. 

Jaehyun has a good pokerface but his hand tightens around Sangyeon’s thigh beneath the table when he smiles up at Siyeon. “We’ve been going bowling since before you were born. I think we’ve got this.”

Siyeon smiles sweetly. “I know you think you’re smart by sitting at this table but everyone can see you’re practicing the wrong sort of ball handling.”

Jaehyun takes his hand back too quickly for someone who isn’t that guilty. He coughs a few times and Sangyeon isn’t sure he can save this. “We won’t let you lose. For tonight Hyunjun isn’t our kid so we won’t even try to let him win.”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Siyeon says, “Or else you’ll both be out on your fucking arses.”

“Language,” Jaehyun says, Then, “I’m not even staying at your house.”

“Yet you’re in my house all the bloody time,” Siyeon points out. 

She does have a point and Sangyeon can already see the snipe on the tip of Jaehyun’s tongue so he begins to say something but there’s a disconnect in his brain and the words die in his mouth at hearing, “No matter what happens neither of us will be in your house tonight. Happy?”

“No take backs,” Siyeon says as she raises the ball above her head and wangs it down the wrong alley as some innocent bystander is taking their shot.

“Did she do that on purpose?” Jaehyun asks. 

“Isn’t there something more pressing to talk about?” Sangyeon asks. “Like you making me homeless for a night?”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “Obviously you’re staying with me tonight.”

“I don’t remember getting this invitation.”

“Are you saying you want to waste our break-up break? We’ve got days left before we have to start hating each other’s guts again. I want you balls deep in my guts at least a few times before then.”

Sangyeon is thanking every deity going that Hyunjun isn’t close enough to hear but he also sort of wishes he was far away enough himself to not hear that. “That’s the least sexy thing you’ve ever said to me. I have already started hating you again.”

Jaehyun laughs and leans in close to lick Sangyeon’s neck before shoving him out of his seat. 

Bowling doesn’t go quite as well as planned. They lose and Hyunjun's team decide that they each deserve a wish for winning. Sangyeon is ready to put money on Chaeyeon's wish being any lodgers and loiterers getting evicted for good. Instead it is much sweeter than that. 

"At my next performance I want you all to bring banners to support me." Chaeyeon's face pinks with her words but she can't hide how bashful she is even as she tries to pass the spotlight onto Taeryeong. Before Taeryeong can take a deep breath to get her wish out Jaehyun interrupts.

"Your next show isn't for a while though. Hyunjun made me note down all the planned dates and there isn't a show for ages."

"It's only a month away," Chaeyeon says, growing redder. 

"That's basically forever," Jaehyun insists. 

"Is there something wrong with my wish?" Chaeyeon asks. Her voice is getting unsteady and Sangyeon takes a while too long to realise why Jaehyun would go through the effort of getting her upset like this. So he has to intervene. 

"There's nothing wrong. We'll be there with bells on."

"We will?" Jaehyun asks. Siyeon drives her elbow directly into Jaehyun's spine and he shrieks as he stumbles into Sangyeon. He clears his throat and dusts himself off whilst avoiding looking anywhere near Sangyeon. "I guess that's what we're doing then."

It's a terrible idea to plan something for the two of them to do in the future, especially beyond their deadline, but Sangyeon is looking at Chaeyeon and he knows he can't disappoint her. She works so hard and if it wouldn't be weird Sangyeon would cheer her on in every capacity. But he will settle for waiting for her performance to lead Chaeyeon's personal cheering section. 

Even if Jaehyun isn't keen on the idea Sangyeon will commit to it. He thinks he won't mind seeing Jaehyun so much after they're allowed. 

+

"I've been doing some digging," Yena says after wheeling her seat around the partition between her desk and Sangyeon’s. She crosses her arms over her chest and grins, victorious. "You don't have a kid."

Sangyeon sighs and saves a draft of the email he was writing. If he tries to play it cool and keep working while Yena is talking to him there's a high chance Sangyeon will forget to add an attachment to the email. It is always more productive to cease working immediately when Yena visits. 

Yena picks up a fidget spinner from her lap but Sangyeon suspects she swiped it from someone's desk rather than bought it herself to occupy the easily distracted part of her mind. She smiles as she begins to spin the small toy. Sangyeon doesn't like this smile. 

"What makes you say I don't have a kid?" 

"I have my sources," Yena says with the strange sort of emphasis which suggests Sangyeon should know who she is referring to. "I have heard that this kid you keep using as an excuse when you're late isn't even a child. He's a grown up who lives in a house with my- with some people."

"I… I have responsibilities," Sangyeon says. 

"Some people told me that I was silly for believing you could have a kid at all," Yena says. "They'd laugh at me and say, 'Yena, who would look at Sangyeon over there and want to start a family with him? Would you?' And things like that."

Sangyeon narrows his eyes and gestures for Yena to roll her chair closer. "Are these conversations you've had with people we work with?" 

"Who else would be annoyed that you're always late?" 

"But I make the time up by staying later."

"No, sometimes you leave early too. The point is, nobody has chosen you to build a family with," Yena says as she brings the fidget spinner dangerously close to Sangyeon’s face. To avoid inefficient decapitation, Sangyeon leans back. She is technically correct but Sangyeon also wants to refute her statement. Hyunjun feels like his family even if they are only linked superficially.

"I would appreciate if people could come to me directly instead of complaining behind my back. Even if he isn't technically a child I still need to look after him."

"There's no technically about it," Yena says. "He's almost the same age as I am. He can't be your kid."

Sangyeon hesitates but the desire to know what Yena means overwhelms his sense of self-preservation. He asks, "How do you know how old my kid is?" 

"I told you, I have my sources. The thing is, if my source is right it means that I lose out on the office sweepstake."

"Sweepstake?" Sangyeon asks. Having people bet on him, no matter how vague and trivial the bet seems at the moment, is too much like invasion. "How many people are involved?" 

"Five people?" Yena shrugs. "But they all said I was wrong. So your kid isn't a child. If you're not really a father then it probably means that nobody has tried to make a child with you."

"What sort of logic is that? You're just being silly!" Sangyeon realises his words don't have the desired effect because Yena is continuing to play with the fidget spinner, unperturbed. Sangyeon’s shoulders sag. "Nobody has tried to make a child with me. Is that what you want me to say?" 

"I don't want you to say anything," Yena says. "But you might get into trouble if you don't come clean about not having a kid."

Sangyeon scoffs. "You're not looking out for me. You literally just told me you're part of some office bet which sounds more like workplace harassment than anything."

"Do you think this counts as harassment?" Yena at least has the sense to look worried but that only lasts for a moment. "The bet isn't actually about you having a kid. It is actually betting whether you've ever had someone to rattle your bones. I won't name any names but someone was willing to wager a lot because they were sure people have always given up on you before you got that far. If you did make a child it would have disproven that theory."

Sangyeon’s mouth stings with words he really shouldn't say if he doesn't want HR to get involved. He clearly isn't doing anything to endear himself to his colleagues but even holding stupid bets like this reveal just how much he has been neglecting the rapport so many co-workers have cultivated. At this point Sangyeon doesn't even want to know what Yena bet her money on considering how eager she has been to question the existence of a child. 

"Why are you having discussions about whether or not I've had sex?" Sangyeon hisses. 

"It's not just me," Yena whispers. "But you're so tense and mean so everyone-" 

"I don't want to be having this conversation anymore," Sangyeon pronounces carefully. Whenever Sangyeon talks to anyone at work it is about the weather, or how annoying service users are. Wagers and conversations like that are unimaginable to Sangyeon. 

He does his best to ignore Yena even as she sends a string of poorly coded emails throughout the rest of the day, some of which are apologies and others which are pleas for written confirmation that her belief that Sangyeon had a child (despite being the most vocal about her doubts) is correct. Sangyeon doesn’t quite manage to forget about the ordeal of the afternoon and he’s biting his tongue while he picks up Hyunjun, Taeryeong and Siyeon. He pretends not asking for a followup on Hyunjun’s sly "Chaeyeon is meeting a friend" is politeness more than apathy in his time of need. He can’t vent until he picks up Jaehyun too and the kids take Jaehyun’s card to go and buy something for dinner. 

Jaehyun laughs. For a very long time. 

“Are you done?” Sangyeon asks even though Jaehyun is clearly not done. 

It isn’t even funny yet Jaehyun’s eyes are sparkling and he grasps Sangyeon’s hand tightly as though that would negate any hard feelings. It doesn’t, not even when Jaehyun leans in close and says, “You’ll always be my virgin.”

“Absolutely none of that sentence is true,” Sangyeon points out. Jaehyun sits back in the passenger seat and smiles at him. 

“You’re my virgin. I love you, Virgin.”

Even if Jaehyun is only making fun of Sangyeon it stings more than it should. It’s a joke but Sangyeon can’t help but wonder if feelings are still there. He still has feelings he wishes he didn’t have and he wouldn’t be able to say anything close to words like that when he knows he still means them. 

Jaehyun is still holding Sangyeon’s hand and he’s still smiling like he’s allowed to joke like this. Sangyeon can't smile. He's beginning to feel unwell from holding back the words that have come to him in the past few moments. 

Sangyeon has spent months pretending not to still be in love with Jaehyun and he realises he must be the only one having that problem. 

Jaehyun has turned to look through the window by the time the kids return with the food. The smell of fried food is thick in the air and Sangyeon’s stomach rumbles. It's an excuse to slip his hand away from Jaehyun's and remind the kids to put on their seat belts. 

"You're not my real dad," Siyeon grumbles. 

"It's just road safety," Taeryeong says earnestly. She's right but even hearing the words from a girl as sweet as Taeryeong doesn't save Sangyeon from the face Siyeon pulls at him. 

Things are okay when they arrive at the house until Jaehyun decides he has forgotten his house keys. 

Taeryeong is the one to dither on her way out of the car. "But if you forgot your keys, how will you get into your house to get them out?" 

Jaehyun hums thoughtfully. "Sangyeon will think of something."

Sangyeon isn't sure whether Jaehyun is referring to another lie to layer on top of this one or a fake solution to this fake problem. Either way Jaehyun is a liar but Sangyeon drives him back home anyway. And then he's pulling Sangyeon out of the car like he's had the best idea ever. Jaehyun lets them into his flat and pushes Sangyeon against the wall. In the time it takes for a shallow exhale he's pressing his mouth to Sangyeon’s neck and saying, "Let me take your virginity all over again."

"You didn't take it the first time, stupid."

"You don't need to lie to me," Jaehyun insists. He's clumsy as he tries to tug at Sangyeon’s clothes. He doesn't have an excuse to be this bad but he persists even whilst saying, "Let's pretend to be nineteen again. Pretend that you love me the way you did back then."

"I love you more now than I did when either of us were nineteen."

The words have absolutely no business coming out of Sangyeon’s mouth but Jaehyun pauses and he smiles just like in the car. 

Jaehyun grips onto Sangyeon tighter than he has for a long time. The cool discolouration of Sangyeon’s skin where Jaehyun left the deepest impression almost makes it look like he's not alone in being stupid and desperate. Then again it is far different to getting back to a lecture from Chaeyeon at the house and not feeling desperate in the slightest for the food that was devoured before they even returned home. 

+

Sangyeon is preoccupied the entire morning when he's packing his things back up to take home. He replies to text messages without reading too deeply into them and perhaps that is his biggest mistake after letting Jaehyun convince Hyunjun to stay home and avoid any heavy lifting involved in getting Sangyeon resituated in his flat. Jaehyun had made it sound so much like they'd be moving furniture around that Sangyeon is almost surprised when he gets back home to find all his furnishings more or less where they are supposed to be. 

Jaehyun only seems interested in one item of furniture in particular and he grumbles a lot about how the bed is strewn with Sangyeon’s clothes and laptop and books he mostly has to appear more academic than he really is. Jaehyun is keeping up no such illusions and keeps picking up the books and throwing them on the floor when his questions about getting naked go unanswered. 

And then there's the door that needs answering and Sangyeon isn't entirely sure what he should be saying to Jacob. 

"I just came to see how you were. You never mentioned that you had to stay elsewhere for a while," Jacob says. He eyes the litter of letters which Jaehyun had kicked his way through when they came up and didn't bother to put somewhere tidy even though he promised. Jaehyun does appear, but it isn't to pick up any post. All the same, Jacob smiles at him. "Jaehyun, it's good to see you."

Jaehyun might be in the midst of crisis from the way he's tugging at Sangyeon’s sleeves when they're in the kitchen (Sangyeon being a good host and fetching Jacob something to drink and Jaehyun hiding because he's a coward). 

"Why is he here? Did you arrange a hook-up when I am still here?" Jaehyun asks. Sangyeon doesn't think he needs to answer that question when the sensible answer should be obvious. 

"Have you not gone back to Jacob at all this time?" Sangyeon asks. "I thought he was just not saying anything about you to be considerate."

"He's like the nicest guy ever. There's no way he'd be sleeping with both of us."

"He can't be that nice," Sangyeon points out whilst Jaehyun paces around him. "Would someone truly nice invite themselves over and then make me invite him in? Like we've never actually been friends on account of his history with you."

From what Sangyeon knows of Jacob he probably would like him a lot as a friend. He's funny in a way that's a bit odd and no matter what his voice is soothing to listen to. Perhaps not to Jaehyun who might have exaggerated the amicable terms on which he has parted with Jacob (half a dozen times by now), but to most other people he's someone who seems like he'd listen to anything in the strictest confidence. 

For all of Jacob's good points Sangyeon has never got to know him. He wasn't with Jaehyun for terribly long (not even a year considering the impact he's had on Jaehyun's habit of using his fabled ex to stick his thoughtless pride right between Sangyeon's ribs - Jaehyun dated an angel who would have done anything for him and he'd be there as a shoulder to cry on and whatever else Jaehyun needs during every breakup) but Sangyeon had heard enough from mutual friends to learn the most basic things about him. Until he wanted to get one over on Jaehyun for once and for all by sleeping with Jaehyun's first love. 

The petty revenge was too easy and frequent for Jacob to be as nice as everyone said but Jaehyun really couldn't hear the most obvious of observations. 

"No, he's too nice," Jaehyun says. "Unless…" Jaehyun grips Sangyeon’s shoulders, drops his voice and looks him dead in the eye to offer his conspiratorial conclusion. "Are we going to have sex? Did he come here so I have to have sex with you and my ex-boyfriend?" 

Sangyeon removes Jaehyun's hands from his shoulders. "I'm your ex-boyfriend too. Don't phrase it so it sounds like I'm not."

Jaehyun blinks and some sort of recollection settles over him. "Yeah, of course. I know."

"And why would we _have_ to have a threesome? Are you saying that you want that?" 

"No way," Jaehyun says quickly. Then, "Unless you want to. But I still wouldn't, I'd just make sure to talk you out of it."

Sangyeon could laugh but if he does he thinks he'd end up crying too. Jaehyun is a bit too ridiculous. 

"He really messes you up, doesn't he?" 

"Well, yeah," Jaehyun agrees. "Everyone has that person who makes them a bit crazy."

It is sobering to realise that Sangyeon isn't so fortunate. That person for him is Jaehyun and there hasn't been anyone else who has made quite the same impression. He knows he has to keep quiet about that though, even when Jaehyun says, 

"Don't ever tell me who that person is for you. If I ever met them I think they'd make me crazy too. I'd hate you ever mentioning that person or going to see them and thinking how they might be an exception for all sorts of rules you live by."

Sangyeon wants to ask why Jaehyun keeps speaking like they're together, like the two of them exist as a unit in the present and not solely in the past, but what comes out of his mouth instead is, "Is that what Jacob is for you? An exception?" 

Jaehyun stiffens and his face sets into a frown. 

"No. Maybe you make me a bit crazier. But he might be if I didn't have you."

"Right," Sangyeon says. "I need to take Jacob his drink."

"Good thinking. The sooner he finishes, the sooner we get rid of him."

They don't get rid of Jacob as quickly as Jaehyun seems to want. Jacob asks lots of questions about Sangyeon’s time away from home and he sounds incredibly interested in learning what Hyunjun is up to. He even sounds interested in the girls Hyunjun ended up living with as though he thinks they wouldn't dislike him as much as they dislike Sangyeon. (Or maybe none of the girls really dislike Sangyeon because Taeryeong always asks how his day is and whether he wants anything when she goes to the shops, Chaeyeon seems to count Sangyeon as an extra person to keep an eye on and occasionally someone who can reach the highest shelf in The Cupboard, and Siyeon spends an inordinate amount of time speaking to Sangyeon like she'd stumbled on a part-time confidante to make fun of).

Jacob does eventually leave even though he has far outstayed the welcome Jaehyun was offering. Sangyeon doesn't mind too much. Even if they're not really friends and they were all awkward around each other, Jacob's presence was a delay for Jaehyun's departure. He got to pretend for a little bit longer that he and Jaehyun would be happy as friends or anything else as fond. 

And he wants to delay things even longer when they've gone through the routine that has become usual to them since Sangyeon had to vacate his flat. The weight of Jaehyun on Sangyeon’s chest is more comforting than it should be and it really seems like Sangyeon could say anything just to keep him there for a bit longer. 

"Jacob seems like he doesn't know Hyunjun that well."

"What do you mean?" Jaehyun asks when he should be asking why Sangyeon would bring up either of those people when they're in bed. 

"I know he's friends with some of our other mutual friends but he's more vague when it comes to Hyunjun."

Jaehyun drops his head down onto Sangyeon’s chest and idly presses the crescent of his nail into the skin beneath Sangyeon’s collarbone. "They didn't really get a chance to hang out when I was with Jacob. Like, that was my boyfriend. It would have been weird if Hyunjun was always tagging along with us too."

Sangyeon doesn't know how to take that. "I was your boyfriend and Hyunjun used to hang out with us loads."

"Oh yeah," Jaehyun hums. "That was different. It felt a bit domestic like that. And he really took a shine to you so it made sense to take him to see a movie that he wanted to see too, or to make an extra place at dinner to keep him out of trouble. He's young. I'd rather know he was with us than someone irresponsible."

Sangyeon sighs. He still doesn't get it. "Hyunjun was younger when you were with Jacob."

"Yeah and he wasn't happy because he was trying to impress people who thought they were too good for him." Jaehyun leans up and presses the heel of his fist into Sangyeon’s sternum. "I didn't think it was such a big deal to you and the way you've been so glad of this breakup I can't imagine you even liked me enough to spend all that time with just me."

Instinctively, Sangyeon wants to tell Jaehyun that he's an idiot, that he's being an idiot on purpose because he would have to be putting in a lot of effort to mistake Sangyeon’s feelings. Sangyeon can't say that to Jaehyun though. He doesn't want to fight. He must be earning some amount of points towards not fighting because he is hardly reacting to the growing weight of Jaehyun's fist on his chest. 

"No, I just don't get why our relationship was so different. It just feels like I was involved in your life in weird ways that have just made it harder to be broken up."

Jaehyun frowns and lowers himself again. His voice is lower too when he speaks against Sangyeon’s shoulder. "I never wanted you to be alone. I only wanted to be Hyunjun’s favourite. I wanted you to still see everyone else without it being weird but you avoided everyone. And slept with my ex-boyfriend. It's weird. From my perspective you made breaking up look so easy."

"If I say something now, will you hold it against me?" 

Jaehyun hums and rolls to the side, outside of Sangyeon’s grasp. "I won't give you any guarantees. If you say something really awful I will have to fight you to the death, probably."

Sangyeon wants to laugh except he's thinking of the most awful thing he's not said to Jaehyun. "I still want to see you all the time. I miss what it was like being with you and I spent so many days wondering why I let things happen differently this time."

Jaehyun doesn't say anything for a long time. But Sangyeon can see on Jaehyun's face that he's struggling with his own words. Perhaps he's thinking something equally awful as Sangyeon. Eventually he says, "Like, if you could go back are you saying that you wouldn't have let us break up like that?"

"Not exactly. We would break up and get back together all the time. Just… I wouldn't have tried so hard to prove that I didn't need you."

Jaehyun smiles at that. "You made it look so easy though."

Sangyeon doesn't know about that. None of it felt easy and knowing that even this time they're spending together won't last forever is hard too. 

Neither of them are going to say the words to change things. Sangyeon can't even guess why. 

  1. He knows he _can't_ say them himself because he's afraid of not being wanted by the person he has spent three years trying to keep on side. 
  2. He knows he _shouldn't_ say the words because he has spent most of the year testing the limits of distance and escaping the same old orbit he was trapped in. 
  3. Sangyeon _won't_ say the words because he can't go back to that. 



Even if there is the possibility that he and Jaehyun won't constantly be at each other's throats, Sangyeon can't let himself sell himself a promise only to buy into that reality once more. 

Jaehyun must have just as many of his own reasons but it is better off not knowing them. All that matters is that they're not together and they're not pretending to share responsibility for anyone else either. 

They'll be strangers again by the end of the day. 

_ _

Sangyeon thinks it is all sorts of bad luck that Yena is the one who keeps taking Jaehyun's calls at work. She sounds very interested in trying to get him to talk and there is a lot of prying between the time Yena says, "You want to speak to Sangyeon?" and the time she actually puts the call through. 

"You could have saved yourself the trouble and just text me or something," Sangyeon says. He can feel himself smiling though he's not sure whether he should be glad that Jaehyun has called him. Sangyeon is back in his recently uninfested flat so he doesn't really have a reason to talk to Jaehyun. Hyunjun doesn't rely on Sangyeon for lifts anymore. The whole thing was just temporary. But even holding his breath whilst waiting for Jaehyun's response on the phone feels like a forever sort of temporary. 

"I had this weird feeling that you wouldn't answer me if I called your mobile."

"I would have," Sangyeon says even though it might not even be true. He likes to think that he would answer even though things are supposed to be back to where they left off six months ago. 

"We don't have to find out whether that is true," Jaehyun says. The barbed words are followed by the salve of, "What are you doing for lunch?" 

"I don't have any plans."

"Let me know what time you can meet me."

Sangyeon considers making something up but he guesses it is probably best not to for once. He's more curious about why Jaehyun would be asking anyway. Even Yena tries to ask him about his lunch plans but he keeps himself quiet. Until he makes it outside and sees Jaehyun across the road just like he said he would be. 

"What are you doing here?" 

"I'm meeting you for lunch," Jaehyun says slowly. 

"Yeah. But why?" 

Jaehyun shrugs and starts strolling down the street. Sangyeon follows. 

"I just wanted to see you," Jaehyun says. "But if that's a bit much I am here to pay off the rest of the debt I owe you."

Jaehyun isn't looking at Sangyeon as he walks. He's looking straight ahead and again Sangyeon sees him in profile. Even now he's still the wrong sort of beautiful. He's the sort of beautiful that makes Sangyeon want to go back on every promise he has made to himself. He's the sort of beautiful that has Sangyeon hoping for everything he shouldn't want. 

"I was thinking," Jaehyun says, "I should pay you back petrol money too for all the lifts you gave me, but that will take extra time. And then I got thinking about how you probably wouldn't want it anyway."

"No, I wouldn't turn down free money."

Jaehyun smiles at his reflection in a shop window and Sangyeon wonders why looking away from the two of them standing together makes the air dense. "If that were true would you have made yourself such a stranger already?" 

Sangyeon can't say anything to that, not without lying, but Jaehyun doesn't mind it the way that he should. It wasn't so long ago that they knew each other in every way. Now Jaehyun is one of Hyunjun’s friends and there are no other tenuous links between them.

Jaehyun smiles directly at Sangyeon and leads him down a side street whilst complaining about always bumping into one of his colleagues at the restaurant they're heading to. 

Sangyeon fully expects Jaehyun to straddle the fine line between banter and brutality. Instead, at a table shaded by artificial ferns, he sees Hyunjun and Taeryeong sketching in notepads opposite each other as they sip fizzy drinks through bendy straws. 

"Even if you can't stand us you still owe Chaeyeon her banners and cheering when she's on stage."

Taeryeong smiles up at Sangyeon on his approach. She holds out a pencil and says, "It is up to you to think of a catchier slogan than, 'Lee Chaeyeon invented dancing,' because I don't think it will fit." 

Lots of things don't fit (Jaehyun and Sangyeon cramming onto the table with Hyunjun and Taeryeong for one matter) but it is worth it to at least honour a promise. 

  1. So Sangyeon gets to work on brainstorming a slogan for Chaeyeon and he tries to forget how fond he is of other people's friends. 




End file.
